Short jokes and one-liners

 

Most of these are old, some will make you laugh, some groan

  • What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a pickaxe? Severely beaten around the head!
  • What’s the difference between a fish and a bicycle? They can both swim. (Except for the bicycle)
  • What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu? One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
  • What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, while the other hates his book.
  • What’s the difference between Democracy and Feudalism? With Feudalism, it’s your count that votes!
  • What noise does a baby ghost make? Boo-hoo, boo-hoo
  • What do you get if you feed a lemon to your cat? A sour puss!
  • What goes “mmbzzz, mmbzzz” really quietly? A mumble bee.
  • What type of animals tell lies? Am-fib-ians
  • What question will always be answered “yes”? What does Y-E-S spell?
  • What’s the only thing worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half a maggot.
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A Carrot.
  • What do you call a flock of birds who perform stunts in formation? The red sparrows!
  • What do you call a man with a tree on his head? Edward (ed-wood)
  • What do you call a man with three trees on his head? Edward Woodward
  • What do you call a kangaroo in the artic? Lost
  • What’s yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard
  • How do you make a band stand? Take away their chairs
  • What do you call a fish with an engine? A motor-pike
  • What goes “Ha ha bump”? Someone laughing their head off
  • Why is Honey expensive in Brazil? Because there’s only one B is Brazil
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