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A piece of string enters a pub and orders a beer.
The barman says "Look pal, it's nothing personal but we don't
serve string in here, we had some trouble with some twine last year"
"Fair enough" says the string and he leaves.
Next day the string comes back in and the barman says "I told
you yesterday, we don't serve string - now get out!"
The piece of string promptly leaves but he returns the next day, and
the next and all week and every time the barman throws him out.
Finally the barman has enough and threatens the string. "You're
pushing your luck!", he says, " If you come in here
tomorrow, you'll be sorry!".
Sure enough, next day, the string comes in. The barman loses his cool
and snatches the string and whacks it on the bar about a dozen times.
Then he ties it in a knot, swings it around his head and throws it
into the wall. Finally he gives it to his dog, which chews it up and
spits it out. The barman finally throws the string out of the door and
says, "There, let that be a lesson to you - WE DON'T SERVE
STRING!"
Next day, the string comes in, still tied up and all tatty.
"Oh for goodness sake!", says the barman, "Look, we
don't serve string and you are, are you not a piece of string?"
"No,", says the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"
A man walks into a pub with a monkey on his shoulder.
The barman (probably related to the one above) says "Sorry pal, no
animals."
"He doesn't mean any harm." says the man, "He's just going to sit here
with me, while I have a drink."
"Oh, okay then.", says the barman, "But any trouble and you're out."
So the man orders a beer and sits down at the bar. Soon the monkey jumps
off his shoulder and starts eating the bar snacks.
"Hey!", says the barman, "You said he was going to sit with you?"
"Oh, it's just some nuts. He'll be good from now on.", says the man.
Then the monkey jumps off the bar and onto the pool table.
"Hey!", says the barman, "Get out, come on you've had your chance."
"He won't cause any harm,", said the man, "Just let him watch."
Next the monkey grabs the cue ball and the barman protests again but the
man says, "He's just being inquisitive"
Finally the monkey swallows the cue ball, let's out a loud squeal and
runs out of the pub.
The barman shouts "Okay, out, now! And you owe me for one cue ball!"
"Sorry", says the man, "He's normally very good." And he pays up and
leaves.
A year later the same returns with his monkey.
"I remember you!", says the barman, "Out!".
"No, no", says the man, "It's okay, he's better trained and he really
has learned his lesson. Just one drink?"
"Okay" says the barman, "but that's it."
The man drinks his beer and sure enough the monkey jumps down onto the
bar, eats some peanuts and onto the pool table.
"He's at it again!" says the barman "I thought you said he had learned
his lesson?
The monkey then picks up the cue ball and shoves it up it's own bottom,
winces and drops the ball, to groans from around the pub.
"He has learned his lesson.", says the man, "He tests everything for
size first now."
Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a
graveyard. Bob suggests taking a shortcut through it but the Joe has
to meet someone elsewhere so they part company.
The next day they meet up.
"You made it through the graveyard then?" says Joe
"Yeah, but you're right there's something creepy going on in
there.", says Bob.
"Like what?", asks Joe
"Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being
played backwards."
"Really?", says Joe, "Tell you what, why don't I get
my tape recorder and we'll cut through there tonight, see if we can
record it?"
The next day
they meet up again and Joe plays the tape.
"That sounds classical" say Bob.
"Yeah, it's Beethoven's 9th symphony - I'm playing the tape
backwards." says Joe, "And I found out where it's coming from,
come and see."
Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked "Ludwig
van Beethoven".
"I don't get it,", says Bob, "Why is the music coming
out backwards?"
"It's obvious really", says Joe, "He's decomposing."
A frog walks into a bank and asks to see a personal advisor about a
loan. The personal advisor, a Miss Patricia Wakk, sits him down and
asks how much he wants to borrow.
"£15,000" says the frog
"I see", says Miss Wakk, "And do you have any
collateral to cover this loan?"
"Yes", says the frog and hands over a small pink pottery
elephant
"Erm, have you anything else, this probably won't be enough.",
says Miss Wakk
"I think that will be sufficient," says the frog.
"Well, I would have to check with the manager but I find it
unlikely", she says.
"Oh I see, well be sure to mention my name when you ask him,
it's Kermit, Kermit Jagger. Does the name mean anything to you?"
says the frog
"Not really Mr Jagger, but if you would like to wait here I will
be back in a moment." says Patricia. With that she goes to see
the manager.
"I have a frog called Kermit Jagger outside who wants to borrow £15,000
using this as collateral." she says.
The manager looks at the elephant and says "okay then."
"But it's £15,000!" protests Miss Wakk, "What on
earth is that thing if it can be used as collateral for a £15,000
loan?"
The manager sighs, hands back the elephant and says, "It's a
nick-nack Patti Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling
Stone."
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