Crimperman.org

Thought I’d start the new year with a cautionary tale.

Somebody once said “There’s no such thing as a normal day”. That is true but there are definitely abnormal days. Days that really could only happen once. At least there had better be or else the day described here could happen again. Before I go any further I want to say this is all absolutely true (except the Bon Jovi bit which I can’t prove) and occurred in mid 2008. At the time, I submitted it as an article for an internal magazine where I was then working but never got around to putting it on here.

Oh and wouldn’t read this while eating if I were you.

Rude awakenings

It all started when my left leg decided it was time to re-introduce me to the idea of cramp. Now I’ve had my fair share of cramp and perhaps it was the fact that I was in the middle of an unusually deep sleep but I don’t recall cramp ever feeling like this! This was man-cramp. My leg felt like it had a shark attached and I went from snore to roar in under a second. I did what any normal human would do and screamed. Actually I didn’t – I was about to when I remembered my loving wife (Claire) sound asleep beside me and being a caring husband (and a complete coward) I thought it best not to wake her at 5:30 in the morning.

So I slid out of bed (the only way I could actually move at the time) and tried to get rid of the cramp by stretching my leg – which of course hurt even more. So now I wanted to scream even more. Time to leave the room and scream elsewhere. They don’t call it cramp for nothing though and my first step resulted in a half lunge and me falling towards the bed. After a clever mid-fall twist which would have made Tom Daley proud I avoided the bed and landed on the floor – right on top of the leg with cramp. So I crawled to the bathroom, stuffed a flannel in my mouth and stretched my leg. After about ten minutes the pain (and the screaming) reduced enough for me to limp back to bed where my – ever so concerned – wife was probably dreaming about Jon Bon-Jovi but was definitely not awake. Phew. The venture was a success in one aspect at least.

I went from roar to snore in under a second. This was man-cramp!

And so back to sleep for all of around 10 minutes when my son (four at the time) started shouting “help!” from his bedroom. Despite some well placed elbows, Bon-Jovi was still holding my wife’s avid attention. So up I got and hobbled into the kids’ room to find him sitting up in the top bunk. He calmly explained that he’d had a nightmare and had “forgotten” to wake up in the middle of it to go to the toilet. The bed was soaked. His sister (three) was as out of it as my wife (but hopefully not dreaming about Jon Bon-Jovi) in the lower bunk. The manager in me took over and I decided that eighties musicians would have to move aside. I, gently, woke my wife and assigned her the task of dealing with our son while I dealt with the bed. Standing on the edge of the lower bunk (with my daughter still asleep in it) I stripped the top one and cleaned up. Eventually the bedding was all piled up and Catnip (his favourite toy) was sitting atop the pile like a wee-covered Guy Fawkes. I decided I’d take them down “in the morning”. By this time my son was clean and in dry jammies and clambered back into bed. I limped back to mine. My wife was already heading back to the eighties and my cramp was dying down so it seemed some sleep was on the cards.

Enter the cat

At this point the cat realised she had not played a big enough part in my morning. She also decided – what with all the moving around – that it must be time for her breakfast. Tempting as it was to help her out of the upstairs window, I hobbled downstairs and fed her with all the grace I could muster. Believe me, she was lucky I didn’t put a funnel in her mouth and pour it down! So after all that it was back to bed and what was left of my sleep.

Believe me at this point the cat was lucky I didn’t open her mouth and pour the food down for her!

But wait! There’s more. Apparently during my cramp-induced gymnastics I managed to knock my alarm clock off the bedside and turned it off. So half an hour after I was supposed to wake up, my son appeared beside my bed and gently shook me. “Ah bless” I thought ,“He probably wants some breakfast”. He probably did, but the reason he was waking me up was to say “Daddy, Pebbles has done a poo in my room”. Pebbles if you haven’t guessed is the afore-mentioned cat. Taking in this glorious news I just knew it would be on the rug and not on the – easy to clean – laminate flooring. “Where abouts?” I asked, anxiously. “On the bottom bunk” came the reply swiftly followed by – a very dead-pan – “and it’s all squishy”. This was enough to drag my wife back from her own personal Ashes-to-Ashes and she went to rescue our daughter from the cat’s new litter tray. After she returned while I limped towards my own personal Life On Mars to clean another bed. Meanwhile Mummy went through the cleaning-a-child-with-cat-poo-on-their-fingers-whilst-avoiding-getting-it-on-yourself-and-anything-else procedure (patent pending).

When I arrived there were indeed some “parcels of fun” from Pebbles the cat on the end of the bed and they were indeed, squishy. Not that my daughter had noticed. Apparently she had remained completely asleep while the cat did it’s business and – even with the squishy poo on her bed – I confess I was envious. The cat must have seen my face and decided this was not the time to ask for more food and she sat quietly by the back door waiting for me to open it. If she was smart she’d stay out there all day. I know my cat. She’s not that smart.

A twist in the tale

You’d think this story would end now wouldn’t you but, like an M. Night Shyamalan film, there’s one final plot twist. As I went out to deposit Pebbles’ – er – pebbles ( now in a bag ) into the dustbin I re-discovered that the day before my Father-in-Law ( who to be fair was just trying to be helpful ) had put the kitchen bin liner and put it next to our dustbin. I had “meant” to do something about that before going to bed because, bless him, he didn’t know the reason we have dustbins with lids where I live. They are called foxes and overnight a couple of the little beggars had ripped that bin bag to shreds and spread the contents – offering like – before my front door. They were obviously looking for waste food. Ha! Waste food in our house – nice one.

So there I stood, tired, in bare feet, only one of which I could stand on, holding a bag of poo, before a sea of kitchen waste. Hey, at least the sun was shining. Right in my eyes! So I mopped up the sea, deposited the bag o’ poo and glanced at the clock. Arrghhh – 7:45 – I was supposed to leave at 7:30!

So while “this is the day that the Lord has made” would seem ironic at that moment. “We will rejoice and be glad in it” was a particular struggle. I really hope that was an abnormal day. Because if it wasn’t, there’s a risk that it could happen again and I’m not sure I could survive two days like that.

I know for a fact that my cat won’t!

P.S. My wife has asked me to point out that the bit about Bon Jovi is entirely without evidence or factual basis and is simply a pre-supposition on my part. Glad to get the legal part over but I would like to say that she was very excited when I later gave her tickets to a Bon-Jovi concert

It’s a popular meme at this time of year that Christmas is for the kids and — incarnation of God and beginning of the world’s salvation not withstanding — it probably is as well.

Having two of the little ones myself I thought it might be nice to share some of the Christmas-related, children-related quotes and events that I’ve encountered. Some happened this year, others in previous years.

Fair’s fair

My two were clamouring for one of the chocolates on offer after the carol service. I said they could have one each. My eldest (6 at the time) spotted the mince pies and — putting on his best smile — asked “Can I have a mince pie as well Dad?”. It’s Christmas. I said yes. At which point my youngest (4 at the time) started rifling through the tin of chocolates. When I asked what she was doing she responded (without looking up or stopping the rifling) with: “I don’t want a mince pie!”.

Guess who’s coming to town

It was six days before Christmas and to say my two were excited is a gross understatement. School was out and they were gearing up for the big night in a big way. Despite their excitement we managed to get them upstairs to get ready for bed. I took the opportunity to make a cup of tea and after stirring, tapped the mug with the teaspoon (I don’t know, it’s a thing I always do). It made a slight tinging sound at which the two kids thundered down the stairs shouting “We heard the bells! Where’s Father Christmas?”

New takes on the old old story

We’ve all encountered children who think the wise men brought “Gold, Frankenstein and Myrrh” but there are other cases of new words being used in the old story. I personally got in trouble as a child for saying the shepherds were washing their socks. I’ve also heard a version of Away in a manger where the cattle were “glowing” (presumably from standing too close to the angels). A friend’s child once asked why Mary and Joseph didn’t just drive home again if all the hotels were booked up but perhaps my favourite is the child who asked where the horses slept with all those people crowded in the stable.

The Real Father Christmas

When my niece was young I took her to see one of the many Father Christmas’s in a local shopping centre. Whilst queueing we passed the people exiting excitedly with their presents (and an emptier wallet). I heard a parent ask their child if they enjoyed seeing Father Christmas. The child responded with “yes and I think this one is the real one not some bloke pretending”. Then there was a pause followed by “He could do with getting his beard dry cleaned though.” from the older child that was with them. The look that the parent gave the older child would have made Medusa proud.

The trials of Christmas shopping

Last year I was in a shopping centre, a week or so before Christmas and took a moment to grab a rest while waiting for my wife. A Mother and her three children stopped and readjusted their myriad of bags next to me. The mother started running through her – mental – checklist to ensure they hadn’t forgotten anything. As she listed the gifst they had bought and who they were for, the middle of the three children began to interrupt. “Mum..”. The mother held up her hand to summon silence. “But..” Again the mother held up her hand and this continued through the list. Satisfied that they hadn’t forgotten anything she declared they could now go home. She then turned and asked what the middle child wanted. “I think Dad’s still in GAME” they said at which point the youngest threw up her arms and said “Oh great! We’ll never get him out of there!” (For those who don’t know, GAME is a popular video game store in the UK)

If you have any of your own, feel free to add them as comments here.

Happy Christmas

Occasionally I wander over to bash.org to view the IRC quotes[1]. I found this one in the top 100 and it was too good not to repeat.

# Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
# GarbageStan23: why?
# Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s’mores and all… and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
# Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor’s house was on fire!
# GarbageStan23: oh ****!
# Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
# Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire….
# Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing…

Original quote on bash.org

[1] For those who don’t know, IRC = Internet Relay Chat, so these are quotes from various chat rooms around the Internet.

I love elephant jokes, they require a certain weirdness in your sense of humour (and some lateral thinking) but… These are clean ones, I know plenty of riskier ones exist but please don’t send them to me.

• How can you spot an elephant in disguise? He’s the one wearing sunglasses
• How many elephants can you get in a mini*? Four. Two in the front and two in the back
• How do you tell when an elephant has been in your fridge? Footprints in the butter
• How do you tell when two elephants have been in your fridge? Two sets of footprints in the butter
• How do you tell when three elephants have been in your fridge? Three sets of footprints in the butter
• How do you tell when four elephants have been in your fridge? There’s a mini parked outside
• What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence
• Why isn’t it safe to enter the jungle on Tuesdays? That’s elephants do their parachute practice
• Why are crocodiles flat? They entered the jungle on Tuesdays
• What do you get if you cross and elephant and a kangaroo? Dents all over Australia
• How elephants hide in the kitchen? They paint their feet yellow and hide upside down in a bowl of custard
• Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? Proves how effective their disguise is
• How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? None, elephants have no need of light bulbs
• Why are elephants large grey and wrinkly? If they were small round and white they’d be a cue ball
• Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.
• How do elephants get up oak trees? Sit on an acorn and wait for spring
• How do elephants get down from oak trees? Sit on a leaf and wait for autumn
• How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? By taking the matches out first
• What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill? Look, the elephants are coming over the hill.
• What did Tarzan say when he elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill? Nothing, they were in disguise.
• What do you do when a herd of elephants is charging towards you? Make a trunk call and reverse the charges
• What’s grey and has four legs? An elephant (have you been paying attention?)
• What’s NOT grey and doesn’t have four legs? No elephants
• What’s grey, has four legs and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday
• What’s the simplest way to sculpt and elephant out of marble? You get a big block of marble and chip away everything that doesn’t resemble an elephant
• How do you make elephant stew? Dice one elephant and place in a simmering pot of stock until tender, add sliced rabbit to taste. You can use alternatives to rabbits but note that not everyone likes hare in their stew.
• Why did the elephant cross the road (1)? The chicken had flu.
• Why did the elephant cross the road (2)? His tender bid was lower than the chickens’ one.
• Why did the elephant stay on this side of the road? There were cars coming – what do you think he is stupid?
• Why do elephants paint their toenails green? So they can hide in apple trees
• Why can you hear screams from the orchard? The giraffes are eating the apples.
• How do you catch an elephant? By using elephant paper
• How do you lure an elephant? Hide in a bush and makes noises like a peanut
• How do you worry an elephant? Tell it that you’re the bait.
• Why do hippos swim in lakes? I don’t care, these are elephant jokes!
• Why have elephants got trunks? Because they don’t like swimming in the nude
• Why have elephants got big ears? Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom

Some longer jokes for you. Again not particularly new but pretty funny if you ask me.

Stringing along

A piece of string enters a pub and orders a beer. The barman says “Look pal, it’s nothing personal but we don’t serve string in here, we had some trouble with some twine last year”. “Fair enough” says the string and he leaves. Next day the string comes back in and the barman says “I told you yesterday, we don’t serve string – now get out!” The piece of string promptly leaves but he returns the next day, and the next and all week and every time the barman throws him out. Finally the barman has enough and threatens the string. “You’re pushing your luck!”, he says, ” If you come in here tomorrow, you’ll be sorry!”.

Sure enough, next day, the string comes in. The barman loses his cool and snatches the string and whacks it on the bar about a dozen times. Then he ties it in a knot, swings it around his head and throws it into the wall. Finally he gives it to his dog, which chews it up and spits it out. The barman finally throws the string out of the door and says, “There, let that be a lesson to you – WE DON’T SERVE STRING!”

Next day, the string comes in, still tied up and all tatty. “Oh for goodness sake!”, says the barman, “Look, we don’t serve string and you are, are you not a piece of string?”

“No,”, says the string, “I’m a frayed knot!”

A monkey in a pub

A man walks into a pub with a monkey on his shoulder. The barman (probably related to the one above) says “Sorry pal, no animals.” “He doesn’t mean any harm.” says the man, “He’s just going to sit here with me, while I have a drink.” “Oh, okay then.”, says the barman, “But any trouble and you’re out.” So the man orders a beer and sits down at the bar.

Soon the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts eating the bar snacks. “Hey!”, says the barman, “You said he was going to sit with you?” “Oh, it’s just some nuts. He’ll be good from now on.”, says the man.

Then the monkey jumps off the bar and onto the pool table. “Hey!”, says the barman, “Get out, come on you’ve had your chance.” “He won’t cause any harm,”, said the man, “Just let him watch.” Next the monkey grabs the cue ball and the barman protests again but the man says, “He’s just being inquisitive” Finally the monkey swallows the cue ball, let’s out a loud squeal and runs out of the pub. The barman shouts “Okay, out, now! And you owe me for one cue ball!” “Sorry”, says the man, “He’s normally very good.” And he pays up and leaves.

A year later the same returns with his monkey. “I remember you!”, says the barman, “Out!”. “No, no”, says the man, “It’s okay, he’s better trained and he really has learned his lesson. Just one drink?” “Okay” says the barman, “but that’s it.”

The man drinks his beer and sure enough the monkey jumps down onto the bar, eats some peanuts and onto the pool table. “He’s at it again!” says the barman “I thought you said he had learned his lesson? The monkey then picks up the cue ball and shoves it up it’s own bottom, winces and drops the ball, to groans from around the pub.

“He has learned his lesson.”, says the man, “He tests everything for size first now.”

A short cut

Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a shortcut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company. The next day they meet up.

“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe “Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there.”, says Bob. “Like what?”, asks Joe “Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.” “Really?”, says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”

The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape. “That sounds classical” say Bob. “Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony – I’m playing the tape backwards.” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.” Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked “Ludwig van Beethoven”. “I don’t get it,”, says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?” “It’s obvious really”, says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”

A frog in the bank

A frog walks into a bank and asks to see a personal advisor about a loan. The personal advisor, a Miss Patricia Wakk, sits him down and asks how much he wants to borrow. “£15,000″ says the frog “I see”, says Miss Wakk, “And do you have any collateral to cover this loan?” “Yes”, says the frog and hands over a small pink pottery elephant “Erm, have you anything else, this probably won’t be enough.”, says Miss Wakk “I think that will be sufficient,” says the frog. “Well, I would have to check with the manager but I find it unlikely”, she says. “Oh I see, well be sure to mention my name when you ask him, it’s Kermit, Kermit Jagger. Does the name mean anything to you?” says the frog “Not really Mr Jagger, but if you would like to wait here I will be back in a moment.” says Patricia. With that she goes to see the manager. “I have a frog called Kermit Jagger outside who wants to borrow £15,000 using this as collateral.” she says. The manager looks at the elephant and says “okay then.” “But it’s £15,000!” protests Miss Wakk, “What on earth is that thing if it can be used as collateral for a £15,000 loan?” The manager sighs, hands back the elephant and says, “It’s a nick-nack Patti Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Most of these are old, some will make you laugh, some groan

• What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a pickaxe? Severely beaten around the head!
• What’s the difference between a fish and a bicycle? They can both swim. (Except for the bicycle)
• What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu? One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
• What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, while the other hates his book.
• What’s the difference between Democracy and Feudalism? With Feudalism, it’s your count that votes!
• What noise does a baby ghost make? Boo-hoo, boo-hoo
• What do you get if you feed a lemon to your cat? A sour puss!
• What goes “mmbzzz, mmbzzz” really quietly? A mumble bee.
• What type of animals tell lies? Am-fib-ians
• What question will always be answered “yes”? What does Y-E-S spell?
• What’s the only thing worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half a maggot.
• What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A Carrot.
• What do you call a flock of birds who perform stunts in formation? The red sparrows!
• What do you call a man with a tree on his head? Edward (ed-wood)
• What do you call a man with three trees on his head? Edward Woodward
• What do you call a kangaroo in the artic? Lost
• What’s yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard
• How do you make a band stand? Take away their chairs
• What do you call a fish with an engine? A motor-pike
• What goes “Ha ha bump”? Someone laughing their head off
• Why is Honey expensive in Brazil? Because there’s only one B is Brazil