Some longer jokes for you. Again not particularly new but pretty funny if you ask me. These have been knocking around for ages so I make no claim over copyright on them. As far as I know they’re in the public domain so do what you want with them.
A piece of string enters a pub and orders a beer. The barman says “Look pal, it’s nothing personal but we don’t serve string in here, we had some trouble with some twine last year”. “Fair enough” says the string and he leaves.
Next day the string comes back in and the barman says “I told you yesterday, we don’t serve string – now get out!” The piece of string promptly leaves but he returns the next day, and the next and all week and every time the barman throws him out. Finally the barman has enough and threatens the string. “You’re pushing your luck!”, he says, ” If you come in here tomorrow, you’ll be sorry!”.
Sure enough, next day, the string comes in. The barman loses his cool and snatches the string and whacks it on the bar about a dozen times. Then he ties it in a knot, swings it around his head and throws it into the wall. Finally he gives it to his dog, which chews it up and spits it out. The barman finally throws the string out of the door and says, “There, let that be a lesson to you – WE DON’T SERVE STRING!”
Next day, the string comes in, still tied up and all tatty. “Oh for goodness sake!”, says the barman, “Look, we don’t serve string and you are, are you not a piece of string?”
“No,”, says the string, “I’m a frayed knot!”
A monkey in a pub
A man walks into a pub with a monkey on his shoulder. The barman (probably related to the one above) says “Sorry pal, no animals.” “He doesn’t mean any harm.” says the man, “He’s just going to sit here with me, while I have a drink.” “Oh, okay then.”, says the barman, “But any trouble and you’re out.” So the man orders a beer and sits down at the bar.
Soon the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts eating the bar snacks. “Hey!”, says the barman, “You said he was going to sit with you?” “Oh, it’s just some nuts. He’ll be good from now on.”, says the man.
Then the monkey jumps off the bar and onto the pool table. “Hey!”, says the barman, “Get out, come on you’ve had your chance.” “He won’t cause any harm,”, said the man, “Just let him watch.”
Next the monkey grabs the cue ball and the barman protests again but the man says, “He’s just being inquisitive” Finally the monkey swallows the cue ball, let’s out a loud squeal and runs out of the pub.
The barman shouts “Okay, out, now! And you owe me for one cue ball!” “Sorry”, says the man, “He’s normally very good.” And he pays up and leaves.
A year later the same returns with his monkey. “I remember you!”, says the barman, “Out!”.
“No, no”, says the man, “It’s okay, he’s better trained and he really has learned his lesson. Just one drink?” “Okay” says the barman, “but that’s it.”
The man drinks his beer and sure enough the monkey jumps down onto the bar, eats some peanuts and onto the pool table. “He’s at it again!” says the barman “I thought you said he had learned his lesson? The monkey then picks up the cue ball and shoves it up it’s own bottom, winces and drops the ball, to groans from around the pub.
“He has learned his lesson.”, says the man, “He tests everything for size first now.”
A short cut
Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a shortcut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company.
The next day they meet up.
“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe
“Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there.”, says Bob.
“Like what?”, asks Joe
“Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.”
“Really?”, says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”
The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape.
“That sounds classical” say Bob.
“Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony – I’m playing the tape backwards.” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.”
Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked “Ludwig van Beethoven”.
“I don’t get it,”, says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?”
“It’s obvious really”, says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”
A frog in the bank
A frog walks into a bank and asks to see a personal advisor about a loan. The personal advisor, a Miss Patricia Wakk, sits him down and asks how much he wants to borrow.
“£15,000″ says the frog
“I see”, says Miss Wakk, “And do you have any collateral to cover this loan?”
“Yes”, says the frog and hands over a small pink pottery elephant
“Erm, have you anything else, this probably won’t be enough.”, says Miss Wakk
“I think that will be sufficient,” says the frog.
“Well, I would have to check with the manager but I find it unlikely”, she says.
“Oh I see, well be sure to mention my name when you ask him, it’s Kermit, Kermit Jagger. Does the name mean anything to you?” says the frog
“Not really Mr Jagger, but if you would like to wait here I will be back in a moment.” says Patricia. With that she goes to see the manager.
“I have a frog called Kermit Jagger outside who wants to borrow £15,000 using this as collateral.” she says.
The manager looks at the elephant and says “okay then.”
“But it’s £15,000!” protests Miss Wakk, “What on earth is that thing if it can be used as collateral for a £15,000 loan?”
The manager sighs, hands back the elephant and says, “It’s a nick-nack Patti Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”