Ever been to one of those church services where the leader makes a statement and the congregation (or those who are familiar with it) respond with another statement? A common one sometime back went like this..

leader: God is good
congregation: All the time!
leader: And all the time..
congergation: God is good!

If you’ve never sat through one, they can be as cheesy as that makes it sound - sometimes they’re not though and that usually depends on how many times you’ve encountered such practices (or perhaps whether you’ve read “The Visitation” by Frank Peretti :o) ). Anyway, I digress…

How accurate is that particular meme? Is God good all the time? Well. yes of course he is but does it always feel that way? Try asking that of somebody who is going through a rough time and feels like God is silent. Try asking it of somebody who has encountered something which shakes their very faith to the core - perhaps the unexpected loss of a loved one. Try asking it of someone who is persecuted for their faith by their own family who days earlier showed them love. Try asking it of someone who feels like the walls are caving in and nobody cares. By the way, if you live in a world where Christians don’t feel like that - ever - then I suggest you may want to consider broadening your horizons or paying closer attention to the Christians around you.

In such situations it is quite normal, even (especially?) for Christians, to question the goodness of God. It is also quite usual for the Christians around them to give them the equivalent of “keep your chin up” type advice. Scriptures are quoted, demonic “presence” is prayed against and the “victim’s” apparent “lack of faith” is usually brought up - in a loving way of course. We who are not in those places (at the time) need to remember that such responses are not always as helpful as they seemed in your head. And thos eof us going through such moments, need to remember that sometimes the words which seem lacking in thought have behind them a heart which just wants to help in any way they can - a heart of love. Having recently been in a place where I questioned God’s purpose in my situation, I can testify to how good it was to receive the opposite response from the Christians around me. Encouragement without patronisation, support without even implied finger pointing, walking beside rather than before - all these responses showed me what love is. I was truly blessed by the way my brother’s and sister’s in Christ walked with me through my own personal valley, kept reminding me of the grace of God (through action more than words) and whilst giving me space — never allowed me to slip into a dangerous solitude.

At times when you are questioning your faith; your life and your God, you need people round you who will treat you like it is okay to do so but not permit you to forget why you first had those things. If you are in that place, don’t blame those trying to help - even if they are not actually helping. Look to the heart behind their actions or words and respond to that. If you are not in a valley, try to remember how it felt last time you were and try not to overwhelm the other one with your gestures or advice. Give and be receptive of support to or from the Christians around you or as Jesus commanded us: “Love one another as I have loved you”. Such love reminds us that God is good, all the time.

Occasionally I wander over to bash.org to view the IRC quotes[1]. I found this one in the top 100 and it was too good not to repeat.

# Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
# GarbageStan23: why?
# Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s’mores and all… and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
# Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor’s house was on fire!
# GarbageStan23: oh ****!
# Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
# Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire….
# Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing…

Original quote on bash.org

[1] For those who don’t know, IRC = Internet Relay Chat, so these are quotes from various chat rooms around the Internet.

I’ve been thinking about Heaven a lot lately. Not in a morbid sense you understand but more in terms of wondering about the future.

A common opinion I’ve heard about Heaven (even from Christians) is how it’ll probably be boring, what with everyone sitting on clouds and playing harps. Of course any reasonable study of the Biblical passages referring to the afterlife (for Christians that is) soon reveals a much different picture to the one popularised by Renaissance art. That said there will still be things happening which - from our limited perspective here on Earth - may seem to be a little less than enthralling. For example, once we are in an eternal life, where time exists but just does not have the same effect on us, then we are able to converse for longer. Conversations could well take as long as they need, hours, days, years??? On the face of it - that could seem a boredom-inducing experience. Perhaps we need a new perspective on this though.

For my part, my musings have lead me to the opinion that we won’t be bored in Heaven. The reason for this is because being bored is a somewhat selfish state of mind. We become bored because the person we are listening to, the thing we are involved in or the job we are doing is just not what we want to be doing at that moment. We generally have what we consider to be “better” things to do. Will such selfishness exist in Heaven? I think not. Certainly is Heaven is perfect then such attitudes cannot be present. “Looking out for number one” is counter to the core teachings — and life — of Christ. So without the selfishness that breeds it it’s hard to see how we could find anything in Heaven boring.

In New Zealand a new law is about to be passed. Under Section92A, any internet user can have their connection cut off if the givernment suspects they’ve been infringing copyright. No proof, no evidence, no day in court. It becomes law on Feb 28.

Across the web people are mounting a blackout campaign - Twitter, Facebook and other profile pictures are being replaced by a black square and bloggers are getting in on the act as well.

I, for one, am glad to join their ranks. Lot’s of people infringe copyright and it’s wrong but to be found guilty by accusation is worse. As a Christian, a web-user and a producer of artwork - I find this law disturbing and immoral.

Yesterday the weather people said we should expect “light” snow for the next couple of days. We woke up to find it snowing all day and now we’ve had around 8 inches of snow.

Still - the wonders of the Internet - I’ve been working from home all day - with a short break early on to help my kids build this fella (and have a snowball fight or three!).

Snowman

Crimperman.org has been around in some form or other since 1996. When it started this was my only web presence and I was able to give it quite a bit of time. As time has gone by, other things have taken more time and so this site has suffered. I don’t want to drop it as I like having a personal - as opposed to professional - space to write. So welcome to the new Crimperman.org.

What’s changed

The site is now really a blog. I’ve moved the whole thing over to the excellent Wordpress which is of course free software. This means more of the site will be what used to be the writing section. I’ve removed the downloads section altogether as it was largely Scripture Reminder and that product has now been discontinued. I may resurrect it in the future but I think there are plenty of better ways to get a daily scripture - er - reminder online. You can even get them sent to your mobile phone so the need for a small pop-up when your computer starts is minimal. The wallpapers are still there but the desktop themes have gone. Both the themes and Scripture Reminder were designed for Windows 98 and I’ve not used Windows much myself since then so I’ve never gotten around to reworking them for later version of Windows. The wallpapers will work on pretty much any system. Noah & Sons is also still here and will continue to do so. You’ll find both that and the wallpapers in the artwork section.

Comments

One thing that is new is that you can comment on the posts now. If something you see here stirs up a comment, feel free to add it.

Change in licencing

Everything on this site used to be released under a Charityware licence. I’ve now changed that to Creative Commons Attribution-Share-Alike licence for the text and Attribution-Share-Alike-Non Commercial for all the artwork. See the legal page for full details.

I love elephant jokes, they require a certain weirdness in your sense of humour (and some lateral thinking) but… These are clean ones, I know plenty of riskier ones exist but please don’t send them to me.

• How can you spot an elephant in disguise? He’s the one wearing sunglasses
• How many elephants can you get in a mini*? Four. _Two in the front and two in the back_
• How do you tell when an elephant has been in your fridge? Footprints in the butter
• How do you tell when two elephants have been in your fridge? Two sets of footprints in the butter
• How do you tell when three elephants have been in your fridge? Three sets of footprints in the butter
• How do you tell when four elephants have been in your fridge? There’s a mini parked outside
• What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence
• Why isn’t it safe to enter the jungle on Tuesdays? That’s elephants do their parachute practice
• Why are crocodiles flat? They entered the jungle on Tuesdays
• What do you get if you cross and elephant and a kangaroo? Dents all over Australia
• How elephants hide in the kitchen? They paint their feet yellow and hide upside down in a bowl of custard
• Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? Proves how effective their disguise is
• How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? None, elephants have no need of light bulbs
• Why are elephants large grey and wrinkly? If they were small round and white they’d be a cue ball
• Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.
• How do elephants get up oak trees? Sit on an acorn and wait for spring
• How do elephants get down from oak trees? Sit on a leaf and wait for autumn
• How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? By taking the matches out first
• What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill? Look, the elephants are coming over the hill.
• What did Tarzan say when he elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill? Nothing, they were in disguise.
• What do you do when a herd of elephants is charging towards you? Make a trunk call and reverse the charges
• What’s grey and has four legs? An elephant (have you been paying attention?)
• What’s NOT grey and doesn’t have four legs? No elephants
• What’s grey, has four legs and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday
• What’s the simplest way to sculpt and elephant out of marble? You get a big block of marble and chip away everything that doesn’t resemble an elephant
• How do you make elephant stew? Dice one elephant and place in a simmering pot of stock until tender, add sliced rabbit to taste. You can use alternatives to rabbits but note that not everyone likes hare in their stew.
• Why did the elephant cross the road (1)? The chicken had flu.
• Why did the elephant cross the road (2)? His tender bid was lower than the chickens’ one.
• Why did the elephant stay on this side of the road? There were cars coming - what do you think he is stupid?
• Why do elephants paint their toenails green? So they can hide in apple trees
• Why can you hear screams from the orchard? The giraffes are eating the apples.
• How do you catch an elephant? By using elephant paper
• How do you lure an elephant? Hide in a bush and makes noises like a peanut
• How do you worry an elephant? Tell it that you’re the bait.
• Why do hippos swim in lakes? I don’t care, these are elephant jokes!
• Why have elephants got trunks? Because they don’t like swimming in the nude
• Why have elephants got big ears? Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom

Some longer jokes for you. Again not particularly new but pretty funny if you ask me.

Stringing along

A piece of string enters a pub and orders a beer. The barman says “Look pal, it’s nothing personal but we don’t serve string in here, we had some trouble with some twine last year”. “Fair enough” says the string and he leaves. Next day the string comes back in and the barman says “I told you yesterday, we don’t serve string - now get out!” The piece of string promptly leaves but he returns the next day, and the next and all week and every time the barman throws him out. Finally the barman has enough and threatens the string. “You’re pushing your luck!”, he says, ” If you come in here tomorrow, you’ll be sorry!”.

Sure enough, next day, the string comes in. The barman loses his cool and snatches the string and whacks it on the bar about a dozen times. Then he ties it in a knot, swings it around his head and throws it into the wall. Finally he gives it to his dog, which chews it up and spits it out. The barman finally throws the string out of the door and says, “There, let that be a lesson to you - WE DON’T SERVE STRING!”

Next day, the string comes in, still tied up and all tatty. “Oh for goodness sake!”, says the barman, “Look, we don’t serve string and you are, are you not a piece of string?”

“No,”, says the string, “I’m a frayed knot!”

A monkey in a pub

A man walks into a pub with a monkey on his shoulder. The barman (probably related to the one above) says “Sorry pal, no animals.” “He doesn’t mean any harm.” says the man, “He’s just going to sit here with me, while I have a drink.” “Oh, okay then.”, says the barman, “But any trouble and you’re out.” So the man orders a beer and sits down at the bar.

Soon the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts eating the bar snacks. “Hey!”, says the barman, “You said he was going to sit with you?” “Oh, it’s just some nuts. He’ll be good from now on.”, says the man.

Then the monkey jumps off the bar and onto the pool table. “Hey!”, says the barman, “Get out, come on you’ve had your chance.” “He won’t cause any harm,”, said the man, “Just let him watch.” Next the monkey grabs the cue ball and the barman protests again but the man says, “He’s just being inquisitive” Finally the monkey swallows the cue ball, let’s out a loud squeal and runs out of the pub. The barman shouts “Okay, out, now! And you owe me for one cue ball!” “Sorry”, says the man, “He’s normally very good.” And he pays up and leaves.

A year later the same returns with his monkey. “I remember you!”, says the barman, “Out!”. “No, no”, says the man, “It’s okay, he’s better trained and he really has learned his lesson. Just one drink?” “Okay” says the barman, “but that’s it.”

The man drinks his beer and sure enough the monkey jumps down onto the bar, eats some peanuts and onto the pool table. “He’s at it again!” says the barman “I thought you said he had learned his lesson? The monkey then picks up the cue ball and shoves it up it’s own bottom, winces and drops the ball, to groans from around the pub.

“He has learned his lesson.”, says the man, “He tests everything for size first now.”

A short cut

Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a shortcut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company. The next day they meet up.

“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe “Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there.”, says Bob. “Like what?”, asks Joe “Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.” “Really?”, says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”

The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape. “That sounds classical” say Bob. “Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony - I’m playing the tape backwards.” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.” Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked “Ludwig van Beethoven”. “I don’t get it,”, says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?” “It’s obvious really”, says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”

A frog in the bank

A frog walks into a bank and asks to see a personal advisor about a loan. The personal advisor, a Miss Patricia Wakk, sits him down and asks how much he wants to borrow. “£15,000″ says the frog “I see”, says Miss Wakk, “And do you have any collateral to cover this loan?” “Yes”, says the frog and hands over a small pink pottery elephant “Erm, have you anything else, this probably won’t be enough.”, says Miss Wakk “I think that will be sufficient,” says the frog. “Well, I would have to check with the manager but I find it unlikely”, she says. “Oh I see, well be sure to mention my name when you ask him, it’s Kermit, Kermit Jagger. Does the name mean anything to you?” says the frog “Not really Mr Jagger, but if you would like to wait here I will be back in a moment.” says Patricia. With that she goes to see the manager. “I have a frog called Kermit Jagger outside who wants to borrow £15,000 using this as collateral.” she says. The manager looks at the elephant and says “okay then.” “But it’s £15,000!” protests Miss Wakk, “What on earth is that thing if it can be used as collateral for a £15,000 loan?” The manager sighs, hands back the elephant and says, “It’s a nick-nack Patti Wakk, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Most of these are old, some will make you laugh, some groan

• What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a pickaxe? Severely beaten around the head!
• What’s the difference between a fish and a bicycle? They can both swim. (Except for the bicycle)
• What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu? One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
• What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, while the other hates his book.
• What’s the difference between Democracy and Feudalism? With Feudalism, it’s your count that votes!
• What noise does a baby ghost make? Boo-hoo, boo-hoo
• What do you get if you feed a lemon to your cat? A sour puss!
• What goes “mmbzzz, mmbzzz” really quietly? A mumble bee.
• What type of animals tell lies? Am-fib-ians
• What question will always be answered “yes”? What does Y-E-S spell?
• What’s the only thing worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half a maggot.
• What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A Carrot.
• What do you call a flock of birds who perform stunts in formation? The red sparrows!
• What do you call a man with a tree on his head? Edward (ed-wood)
• What do you call a man with three trees on his head? Edward Woodward
• What do you call a kangaroo in the artic? Lost
• What’s yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard
• How do you make a band stand? Take away their chairs
• What do you call a fish with an engine? A motor-pike
• What goes “Ha ha bump”? Someone laughing their head off
• Why is Honey expensive in Brazil? Because there’s only one B is Brazil

Further to my earlier post, the Equitas IT Solutions website is now fully operational. It contains information about how Equitas can help charities, non-profits and small businesses use free software to their benefit. It also contains articles, guides, how-tos and downloadable resources which are freely (in both senses of the word) for you to read and use.

Equitas IT Solutions - fairness, quality, freedom.